In an amazing – and some would say sardonic – twist of fate, DNA tests have proven that presidents Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are related.*
* This tale is brought to you by the spirit of April Fool’s Day.
An Estonian genealogy researcher, Lydia Suuraju from Kalev University, announced a major discovery linking Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin to a common ancestor. How this revelation will impact foreign relations between the fraternal leaders is unknown. Assuredly, though, the next meeting between the two presidents will be a familial event.
The process began with the need for DNA samples from both individuals, and obtaining them was no easy feat. Trump’s DNA was clandestinely collected from a discarded Big Mac container in the White House dumpster. Putin’s sample came from fragments of the bomb that blew up Yevgeny Prigozhin’s plane.
With the samples secured, the extraction and genealogical DNA testing began back at the lab. Once isolated, the DNA was analyzed using microarrays to identify genetic markers. When the results appeared on the screen, doctor Suuraju couldn’t believe what she was seeing – swine DNA. Both Trump and Putin appeared to be related to a common pig.
Skeptical of her findings, as any good scientist should be, Suuraju scoured the data for errors. But the results held firm: oinker DNA from a paternal common ancestor. Then, glancing frantically around the lab, she saw it – the wrapper from her breakfast sandwich. “They are not piglet brothers from a different sow – it was just sample cross-contamination from my bacon, egg and cheese sandwich,” Suuraju said.
With the swine theory resolved and disproved, she dove back into the data, cross-referencing it against a vast dataset of familial DNA. The consensus? Trump and Putin are indeed related – paternally. The data indicated with 97% accuracy that they descended from a common ancestor from the tiny Ural Mountains village of Moronetsk, Russia.
Excited, Suuraju called her friend Hendrik Kirsipuu, a history professor who wrote his PhD thesis on the Putin family lineage. Kirsipuu was intrigued. “I mean, it explains a lot, but I still wasn’t sure if Lydia was pulling my leg.”
Evidence in Moronetsk
With a positive DNA match and an almost certain geographic ancestral connection between the two plundering presidents, Suuraju and Kirsipuu set off for Moronetsk. Flying to the nearest airport, they continued by train, then hitched a ride in a dilapidated potato delivery truck driven by an FSB agent in disguise, and finally arrived by donkey (also an FSB agent).
Once in town, they set to work. Their first stop was the local library, which doubled as a tavern – replete with dusty books and a well-worn bartop. Call it a practical solution to increase library attendance. Suuraju and Kirsipuu poured themselves stiff vodka cocktails and pored through local history books. But the records were poor.
With nothing to show from their library visit but a good buzz, the eager academics walked to the local cemetery. And there, among the mounded burial plots, they had their epiphany. As they made their way to the oldest section of the graveyard, they noticed a gravestone – one that turned out to be the holy grail of the Trump/Putin kissing-cousins conspiracy theory. Corroborating the DNA tests, the cracked and faded marker read: “Here Lies Ilya Trumputin – Village Idiot.”
According to sources, both men are thrilled by the kinship news, and a Trumputin family reunion is scheduled to take place at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort. The menu features chicken Kiev, which, according to Trump, “I have a great relationship with these chickens. They all love me. In fact, we’re making chicken Kiev great again. Nobody knows chicken Kiev better than me, folks. I have the best chickens – very special.”
Putin, citing the fascist ingredients of chicken Kiev, has launched a special culinary operation to rename the dish as chicken Russo. “Clearly, there is no such thing as chicken Kiev. It’s just more Western lies. The dish is in our sphere of influence.”
Reported guests include the usual list of sycophants: North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, disgraced American actor and Putin zealot Steven Seagal, and Elon Musk, the newly crowned head of the Department of Russian Kinship (DORK).
In a surprising move, Volodymyr Zelensky will provide entertainment for the event. Harkening back to his days in comedy, Zelensky will be slinging jokes from a makeshift bunker in the basement. A leaked joke from his planned routine goes, “What did Putin say when he broke up with Trump? Let’s just be cousins.”
Thanks to the two newly Nobel Prize–eligible Estonian researchers, we now know: the Trump–Putin bromance is real.
